4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
