I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Dick very happy bro
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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