I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
