you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
