I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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