i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
