i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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