and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
