it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Buhtt sex?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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