Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
