May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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