Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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