I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
