I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
