how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
