Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
