Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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