chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
What a dumb baby whore.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
