so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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