i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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