you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
