This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
