there's paper in my vomit.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
