I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
