i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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