dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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