I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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