My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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