Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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