i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Send help, water and tortillas.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
