Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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