You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Is it penis luge time yet?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Randomize
