Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
