turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
