Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
