A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
as a side note pls kill me
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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