It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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