I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
