did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
