I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
