She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
