Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
