ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
