"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
