Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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