just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
