omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
