Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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