my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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