you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
