Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
