That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
