Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
