There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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